Marching Orders

Shortly before the polls close, I plan to retreat to an undisclosed location, and I will likely be incommunicado for an indefinite period.  I have therefore compiled the following list of instructions to follow in the event of ElectoRupture:

• Keys to the cabin are cached within the torso of our Halloween scarecrow, now returned to the back porch.  Avoid the ruts for the first five turns on Spur 12; the anti-tank mines have been armed.  If you’re approaching the lake by air, set your IFF transponder to CA41823.
• Monitor aluminum prices.  If it rises above $1.15/pound, cease drinking anything other than bottled water (or Bushmills).
• Credit no report of my death absent first-hand observation of DNA cross-matching with registered samples, including scanning for serial numbers to eliminate cloned tissue.
• In the event of my verified death, I assign all authority and responsibility to Kevin Hamilton Bruce of Frederick, Maryland; he alone possesses the wisdom and resources necessary to prevail in the coming dark days.
• Tell him "yes" on #1 and "no" on #2.
• Under no circumstances summon intervention from Great Cthulhu.  It turns out that, when one factors in the impact on Pacific Rim trade, ushering in the Age of the Old Ones would actually be worse than a second Bush Administration.