2011-10-15

The Big Mithrandir

 THE TRAIL TO THE FORD OF BRUINEN: 
 ELROND's eyes are on the trail as he listens to GANDALF, while walking. 
 
 GANDALF 
      I mean we totally fucked it up, man. We fucked up his pay-off.  We got the Black Riders all pissed off at us, and Saruman, he yelled at me a lot, but he didn't do anything.  Huh? 
 
 The eagle is circling overhead and shrieks at them. 
 
 ELROND 
      Well, sometimes the cathartic, uh. 
 
 GANDALF 
      No No, I'm saying if he knows I'm a fuck-up, why does he leave me in charge of getting this ring back?  Because he doesn't fucking want it back, man!  He's had enough!  He no longer digs power!  It's all a show!  Ok?  But then, why didn't he give a shit about his mithril?  I mean, he knows we never handed off his chest, but he never asked for it back.  The mithril was never in the chest.  The chest was fucking empty, man!  The asshole was hoping that they would keep the ring!  You threw out a ringer for a ringer! 
 
 ELROND 
      Huut!  Okay, but how does all this add up to an emergency? 
 
 GANDALF 
      Huh? 
 
 ELROND 
      I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, 'Dalf, he kept the mithril, my point is, huum, here we are, it's the Third Age, the Last Alliance of Elves and Men is over, so I'm only allowed to intervene if it's a matter of life or death-- 
 
 GANDALF 
      Will you come off it Elrond.  You're not even fucking Elvish, man. 
 
 ELROND 
      What the fuck are you talking about? 
 
 GANDALF 
      Man, you're fucking seven-sixteenths mortal. 
 
 ELROND 
      What the fuck are you talking about?  I got confirmed when I married Celebrían! 
 
 GANDALF 
      Yeah. 
 
 ELROND 
      Come on, 'Dalf! 
 
 GANDALF 
      Yeah, yeah yeah! 
 
 ELROND 
      You know this! 
 
 GANDALF 
      Yeah, and five hundred fucking years ago, she went over the Sea. 
 
 ELROND 
      So, what are you saying?  When you get separated, you turn in your Grey Havens ticket?  You get bi-focals?  You stop being Elvish? 
 
 GANDALF 
      This is the canyon. 
 
 AS THEY TURN: 
 
 ELROND 
      I'm as Elvish as fucking Fëanor. 
 
 GANDALF 
      Man, you know, it's it's all a part of your sick Celebrían thing man.  Taking care of her fucking eagle.  Going to her fucking forest shrine.  You're living in the fucking past. 
 
 ELROND 
      Twenty-one thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Ingwë to Legolas--YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I'M LIVING IN THE FUCKING PAST! I--Jesus. What the hell happened? 
 
 He is looking off as their pace slackens.  GANDALF looks where ELROND is looking.  They see a half-dozen black horses drowned in the river. 
 
 ELROND 
      Jesus Christ.