The Big Mithrandir

	THE TRAIL TO THE FORD OF BRUINEN:
	ELROND's eyes are on the trail as he listens to GANDALF, while walking.
	GANDALF
		I mean we totally fucked it up, man. We fucked up his pay-off.  We got the Black Riders all pissed off at us, and Saruman, he yelled at me a lot, but he didn't do anything.  Huh?
	The eagle is circling overhead and shrieks at them.
	ELROND
		Well, sometimes the cathartic, uh.
	GANDALF
		No No, I'm saying if he knows I'm a fuck-up, why does he leave me in charge of getting this ring back?  Because he doesn't fucking want it back, man!  He's had enough!  He no longer digs power!  It's all a show!  Ok?  But then, why didn't he give a shit about his mithril?  I mean, he knows we never handed off his chest, but he never asked for it back.  The mithril was never in the chest.  The chest was fucking empty, man!  The asshole was hoping that they would keep the ring!  You threw out a ringer for a ringer!
	ELROND
		Huut!  Okay, but how does all this add up to an emergency?
	GANDALF
		Huh?
	ELROND
		I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, 'Dalf, he kept the mithril, my point is, huum, here we are, it's the Third Age, the Last Alliance of Elves and Men is over, so I'm only allowed to intervene if it's a matter of life or death--
	GANDALF
		Will you come off it Elrond.  You're not even fucking Elvish, man.
	ELROND
		What the fuck are you talking about?
	GANDALF
		Man, you're fucking seven-sixteenths mortal.
	ELROND
		What the fuck are you talking about?  I got confirmed when I married Celebrían!
	GANDALF
		Yeah.
	ELROND
		Come on, 'Dalf!
	GANDALF
		Yeah, yeah yeah!
	ELROND
		You know this!
	GANDALF
		Yeah, and five hundred fucking years ago, she went over the Sea.
	ELROND
		So, what are you saying?  When you get separated, you turn in your Grey Havens ticket?  You get bi-focals?  You stop being Elvish?
	GANDALF
		This is the canyon.
	AS THEY TURN:
	ELROND
		I'm as Elvish as fucking Fëanor.
	GANDALF
		Man, you know, it's it's all a part of your sick Celebrían thing man.  Taking care of her fucking eagle.  Going to her fucking forest shrine.  You're living in the fucking past.
	ELROND
		Twenty-one thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Ingwë to Legolas--YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I'M LIVING IN THE FUCKING PAST! I--Jesus. What the hell happened?
	He is looking off as their pace slackens.  GANDALF looks where ELROND is looking.  They see a half-dozen black horses drowned in the river.
	ELROND
		Jesus Christ.