Pulp Khazâd

You know what you need?  You need to read this missing scene from the upcoming film adaptation of The Hobbit:

33.FADE UP:33.
Strong is giving a detailed description of all the features on his war hammer "The Smack-5," which he does at the beginning of every episode.
 OFF SCREEN we hear a WOMAN'S VOICE.... 
We're in the great hall of a modest two tower citadel in the Blue Mountains, in the year T.A 2855.  THORIN II'S MOTHER, 350ish, stands in the archway leading into the great hall.  ext to her is a Dwarf dressed in the livery of the House of Durin.  The CAMERA is the perspective of a twenty-five-year old Dwarf.
  Thorin, stop watching puppets a second. We got a special visitor. Now do you remember when I told you your daddy died in a Dol Guldur dungeon? 
      Well this here is Capt. Káin. He was in the Dol Guldur dungeon with Daddy. 
 CAPT. KÁIN steps inside the room toward the little boy and bends down on one knee to bring him even with the boy's eyeline. When Káin speaks, he speaks with a slight Iron Hills accent. 
  Hello, little Dwarf. Boy I sure heard a bunch about you. See, I was a good friend of your Daddy's. We were in that Mirkwood pit of hell over five years together. Hopefully, you'll never have to experience this yourself, but when two Dwarves are in a situation like me and your Daddy were, for as long as we were, you take on certain responsibilities of the other. If it had been me who had not made it, Thráin would be talkin' right now to my son Bofur. But the way it worked out is I'm talkin' to you, Thorin. I got somethin' for ya. 
 The Captain pulls a ring out of his pocket. 
  This ring I got here was the ring of your ancestor Durin III. It is one of the Seven Rings, given to your ancestor in Khazad-dûm by the first smithy ever to make Rings of Power. You see, up until then, people just sunk the power of divine will into jewels. This ring was made by the elflord Celebrimbor of Eregion, a good friend of your ancestor. Then Sauron launched a war against the Elves, which they calledthe War of Elves and Sauron, and Celebrimbor was killed. Your ancestor closed the doors of Khazad-dûm and used the ring to keep the ancient city safe 'til the Númenoreans landed and drove Sauron away. The ring stayed in Khazad-dûm for 3600 years while Númenor fell and Elves and Men again defeated Sauron and brought about the Third Age, and each of your ancestors handed down the ring and the kingdom of Khazad-dûm to his son, all the way to your ancestor Durin VI. Durin VI was the last Dwarf king to be named Durin, because he was killed by an evil power so horrible that they named it Durin's Bane. Durin's son Náin took the ring, but a year later he too was killed by the evil, which they couldn't call Náin's Bane because it was already called Durin's Bane. Náin's son Thráin then took the ring and led the House of Durin east to found the realm of Erebor, and Thráin became the first King Under the Lonely Mountain. Thráin's descendants kept the ring for 600 more years even while they moved north to the Grey Mountains and delved for treasure 'til they were attacked by dragons. Your great-grandfather Dáin I was king when he was killed by a cold-drake, which is a dragon without fire-breath, which I suppose makes it just a large lizard. Anyway, it killed your great-granddad, and so his son, your granddad, Thrór took the ring and his people and went back to Erebor. Thrór kept the ring for 180 more years until the great dragon Smaug, who certainly could breathe fire, attacked Erebor and killed or drove off all the Dwarves who lived there. So now your granddad had the ring but no kingdom, and he wandered the wilderness for 20 years, suffering the scorn of Men and lamenting the loss of all the great Dwarf realms until at last he came to the doors of Khazad-dûm. Your granddad was facing death and he knew it. No Dwarf had any illusions about ever passing those doors and returning alive. So just before he went in, your granddad asked a caravan guard named Nár, a Dwarf he had never before met in his life, to deliver to his infant son who he had never seen in the flesh, his gold ring. Three days later, your grandfather was killed by Azog and the other Orcs infesting Khazad-dûm. Nár carried the news of your grandfather's death to the rest of the Dwarves, who launched a war of revenge, which they called the War of Dwarves and Orcs. That war raged for six years until the Dwarves returned to the doors of Khazad-dûm and met the great Orc host in the Battle of Azanulbizar in which many lives on both sides were lost. At the end of the battle, Azog was dead and the Orcs were scattered, but Durin's Bane still lurked in Khazad-dûm and the Dwarves returned to their other homes. Nár was as good as his word. After the war, he paid a visit to your grandmother, delivering to your infant father, the last of the Seven Rings. This ring. This ring was on your Daddy's finger when he was captured under the eaves of Mirkwood. Now he knew if the Orcs ever saw the ring it'd be confiscated. The way your Daddy looked at it, that ring was your birthright. And he'd be damned if some snouts were gonna put their greasy gray hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide somethin'. His ass. Five long years, he wore this ring up his ass. Then when he died, he gave me the ring. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little Dwarf, I give the ring to you. 
 Capt. Káin hands the ring to Thorin II. A little hand comes into FRAME to accept it. 
 The 270-year old Thorin Oakenshield is dressed in mining gear: jerkin, boots and gauntlets. He lies on a table catching a few zzzzzz's. Almost as soon as WE CUT to him, he wakes up with a start. Shaken by the bizarre dream, he wipes his sweaty face with his gauntlet. 

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